There is a John Lennon quote that says “Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end.” If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in that, I would have said “no”.
My husband and I struggled to conceive for a while. The struggle made me bitter and depressed. I couldn’t watch TV ( too many babies, commercials, etc.) or walk by the diaper aisle at the store without feeling a pit in my stomach. And Facebook- it was my worst nightmare. It felt as if every other day someone would announce their pregnancy or the birth of their child. I even had to “unfollow” some people because I couldn’t take it. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for them- I was just very sad for us.
I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t become a biological mom. Was God punishing me? Was He mad at me for something? I told one of my friends how I felt, and she reminded me that God is a loving God, and doesn’t do that. I tried to remind myself of that, but it was hard. Maybe He wasn’t mad at me, but I’ll tell you what- I was mad at Him.
I constantly felt like people were giving me un-needed, but well-intended advice. “Just relax and it will happen”. “I have a friend who blah blah blah…” “It is all part of God’s plan.” Etc. The last one really got to me. Why would His plan include not letting me do something that I was born to do?
One day I was talking to my former pastor. I’ve been open about our struggle, and she asked me how things were going. She talked about her struggles with trying to get pregnant, and miscarriage, and she said something profound. She said something along the lines of “ And then one day, I told God that I was ready to let His will be the way. This was in His hands, even if it meant that I would never have children of my own.” She never told me that is what I needed to do. She just told me it was what she did. I wished I could do that, but didn’t think it’d be possible.
Time passed. So did month after month of negative pregnancy tests, two failed IUI’s, doctor’s visits, and countless tears. Life felt hard. All I wanted to do was sleep. I dreaded family parties, because I constantly looked around the room and reminded myself that I was the only one there who didn’t have biological kids. Even my husband was a dad.
Last fall, my husband and I were checking out a new church. I can’t tell you what the message was about, but I can tell you a specific verse spoke to me. Whenever I found myself upset, I reminded myself of that verse. Then, a couple of weeks later, we went to a service at the church I grew up in. We had a guest speaker, and I couldn’t believe it, during his sermon- he read my verse!
“Jesus replied, “You may not understand what I am doing right now, but someday you will.” John 13:7.”
Something just clicked. Those were the words that I needed to hear. Those were the words that helped me lay it all out on Him, trust in Him, and let His will be the way. I still planned on trying to conceive, and researching other fertility treatments, but I no longer felt hopeless.
I felt a huge relief upon me. Of course, I was still sad when I would get a negative test, but I no longer let the sadness take me over. I reminded myself of Jesus’ words. I had found my lost faith, and trusted that He had my back.
A month later, I received a letter in the mail from my insurance. My work changed their fertility benefits, and they now covered two rounds of IVF! We started our first cycle at the end of April, and I am now 13 weeks pregnant! Seeing our little one on the ultrasound screen and knowing that I am going to be his or her mommy is worth all of the pain and suffering infertility brought. I now know the reason He did what He did, and our little miracle baby will always be a constant reminder of God’s plan for us.